


When spring was blue and pink

by ChristinMKay



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, And I am a very bitter Cas girl, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cas is very depressed, Depression, Fanart, Fluff, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Nature, Sick Castiel, Spring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-04
Updated: 2016-06-04
Packaged: 2018-07-12 06:06:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7088281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChristinMKay/pseuds/ChristinMKay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lucifer is expelled and Cas is back to normal. Except that he is not, since he is still feeling expendable and worthless. Every day he stands in the old back yard of the bunker and stares at the nature. It would make a beautiful garden, but Cas doesn't have the motivation to work on it. So he just stands there and waits.<br/>One day he gets sick and has to stay in the bunker. While Cas sinks deeper and deeper into his depression Dean and Sam try to take care of Cas and show him that he is loved.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When spring was blue and pink

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is for the Destiel Spring Mini Bang, and I collaborated with the wonderful http://serafire.tumblr.com/ who drew the amazing fanart at the end

  
Castiel has his eyes closed, enjoying the sensation of the warm sunlight shining against his eyelids. He stands in the backyard of the bunker, listening to the silence that is only interrupted by birds tweeting and insects humming through the air. The wind is rushing through the trees, but it barely makes a sound since most leaves are still locked away in tiny buds.  
  
It’s still a bit cold despite the sun, and Cas pulls his trench coat closer together, shivering slightly. He takes a deep breath and the cold spring air fills his lungs.  
  
Angels don’t need to breathe. They also don’t enjoy such mundane things as sunshine or the sound of nature. But Cas doesn’t feel really angel like anymore. His grace may be still flickering inside him, however, Cas feels drained, exhausted, empty. If he was human he could call it spring fever, but Castiel is not human, and he doesn’t have spring fever. He is just tired. Tired and useless, just like Amara and Lucifer said. He may have defeated Lucifer, though Cas didn’t really mind being possessed by him. However, Amara is still out there and Cas can’t do anything to stop her. All he did was cost the Winchesters precious time, he still doesn’t understand why they insisted on sending Lucifer back to hell and didn’t let him fight against Amara.  
  
Cas sighs, the noise almost too loud for the silence around him. He avoids loud noises, he still hears Lucifer’s screams and Amara’s laughter. He still hears Dean yelling, and Sam chanting various spells and exorcisms.  All was so loud, so unbearable loud.  
  
Cas had been used to the silence of the bunker and the low noise coming from his TV. Now even the TV is too loud, and the kitchen in the bunker gives him claustrophobia. The fact that now Dean and Sam are in the kitchen as well, is reason enough for Cas to stay away. He doesn’t want to hear what they have to say. He can imagine it well enough, Sam’s disappointment, Dean’s burning anger. Dean is going to yell, to call Cas names,  state what Cas already knows, how useless he is. Castiel just wants to be left alone.  
He doesn’t even know why he is still staying in the bunker. He spends most of the day outside and at night time sneaks back into his room. A room, not his, he corrects himself. The room doesn’t belong to him, and the bunker is not his home. Dean has made that clear many of times, Cas doesn’t want to hear it again. He can’t go anywhere else though. He is not welcome in heaven, and he already feels lost enough, he doesn’t have to wander the world for that. There is no place where he belongs. And so he stands in the backyard of the bunker and observes nature.  
  
Observing humanity once had been his task, his purpose. Then it became saving humanity, and in the end saving the Winchesters. He has failed. He has failed all of it. Observing nature gives him a fake feeling of purpose, but in the back of his mind, he knows that it’s only an illusion. There is no purpose, no meaning behind his sad, puny existence.  
  
Cas hears a soft humming close to his face and blinks. It’s a bee flying by and Cas smiles. He still likes to watch the bees, his thoughts wander to the time he was crazy. Maybe he is losing his mind again, he thinks, maybe he is broken again. Not that Dean would care this time, nobody cares about Cas’ mental state. Not that Cas blames anyone. He is nothing more than an angel with clipped wings and a broken mind, wallowing in self-pity.  
  
Cas lowers his head and looks at the ground. The earth beneath him is full of minerals and perfect for planting a garden, he figures, but he doesn’t have the motivation do plant something. The small amount of motivation he still has, allows him to leave the bunker early in the morning to go to the garden. The sun is rising every day a bit earlier, but for Cas the sunrise has long lost it’s beauty. Soon the darkness will take over anyways, he thinks.  
  
He kneels down and grabs a fist full of earth, it’s cold and wet, his hands get dirty. Cas doesn’t care. It would be pleasant for the bees if he planted some flowers, he figures, but he doesn’t have any tools, nor any seeds. He dismisses the thought, he is not going to plant a garden. He is done interfering, he only observes.  
  
The sun is setting already and Cas takes a last, deep breath, before he returns into the bunker. He hears a hushed conversation between Dean and Sam, their voices coming from the kitchen.  
  
“You gotta talk to him,” he hears Sam whisper, “it can’t continue like this.”   
“Don’t you think I know that?” Dean hisses back.  
  
Cas clenches his fist, before he walks past the kitchen towards his room. Sam and Dean won’t notice him anyways, he thinks.  
  
He glances quickly at them and in that exact moment Dean’s head snaps up and his eyes meet Cas’. Both freeze for a second and there is something in Dean’s eyes Cas can’t quite tell, maybe he is just embarrassed because Cas obviously heard him and Sam talk about him.  
  
Sam turns around and sees Cas as well.  
  
“Hi Cas,” he says, his voice low and calming, “did you enjoy the weather outside?”  
  
Cas just nods before he points towards his room, “I’m gonna go…” he mumbles and walks away. He can feel Dean’s eyes linger on him.  
  
Cas lies down onto his bed, sleep comes easily. Angels don’t sleep, but Castiel is tired to his very core.

  
***  
  
When he wakes up in the morning he doesn’t feel rested at all. Sleepy, he opens the door and shuffles through the bunker. It’s empty, Cas figures that Sam and Dean are probably out on a hunt. He walks outside and stands at his usual spot.  
  
Today he can’t see the sun since dark clouds are covering the sky. Cas looks at the backyard. It used to be a garden once, filled with flowers, some vegetables, and herbs the men of letters used for their spells. By now it’s just cold, desolated earth, crowned with a sick cherry tree at the very end of it.  
  
Maybe that’s why Cas likes to stand in the backyard, it’s abandoned and empty, just like him. He closes his eyes and lets his thoughts drift.  
  
He doesn’t hear the first roar of thunder, and he doesn’t feel the cold, hard rain drops falling down on him. His eyes are closed and he doesn’t know how much time has passed.  
  
Only when he suddenly hears Dean shout, “Cas!” his eyes fly open.  
  
He starts to shake, his clothes completely drowned, his hands and face feeling numb from the wet, cold rain.  
  
“Dean,” he whispers, barely even able to hear his own voice.  
  
Dean is only standing two steps away, a worried look on his face. The hunt must have been a quick one, Cas thinks.  
  
“Cas, what are you doing outside here? You’re soaked,” Dean’s voice sounds rough and drained, “Get inside before you catch a cold or worse, pneumonia.”  
  
Cas blinks confused, it’s the first time he and Dean have actually spoken since Lucifer is gone.  
  
“Angels don’t get sick,” he says, though he feels even worse than before. Uncomfortable, cold, truly exhausted, and dizzy.  
  
Dean has one hand pressed against his forehead to shield his eyes from the rain, he lifts the other one and holds it towards Cas.  
  
“You’re shaking, Cas,” Dean says softly, there is a certain fondness in his tone, only confusing Cas more. Dean should probably be angry at him. It surprises Cas that Dean does even care and that he doesn’t have barked at Cas yet to move his ass inside the bunker.  
  
“Please,” Dean adds, and hesitantly Cas takes Dean’s hand, and Dean takes Cas inside the bunker.  
  
Dean stops in the middle of the bunker, and lets go of Cas’ hand. Cas doesn’t know if he should feel relief or disappointment. Relief, because Dean is finally leaving him alone again, or disappointment because it actually felt nice holding Dean’s hand. Only seconds later a towel is suddenly wrapped around Cas.  
  
“You should change into something dry and comfy,” Dean says, while he drys his own hair with a towel  as well.  
  
Cas nods, still not really comprehending what just had happened. The soft touch of Dean’s fingers is lingering on his skin as Cas gets up.

***  
  
The next morning Cas wakes up and his throat aches as if hard liquor is running down it. His breath is heavy and his vision is slightly blurred. With great effort he manages to get out of bed. His usual clothes are haven’t dried yet, so Cas decides to stay in Dean’s sweat pants and an old shirt, he borrowed some time ago.  
  
His legs are wobbly and he has to press his hand against the walls to steady himself. He barely makes it into the kitchen.  
  
His head throbs and he is shaking despite feeling like he is burning up from the inside.  
  
“Cas?” he hears Dean’s worried voice, before he collapses into a chair.  
  
“Hey, Cas,” two cold hands cup his burning face. Cas tries to focus his blurry vision.  
  
Dean’s face is only inches apart from his, a tense look in it.  
  
“You’re burning, buddy,” he says, “I told you, you would get sick.”  
  
Usually the words I told you so would make Cas flinch, because usually they were said in a mocking tone or with anger. This time they sounded like concern.  
  
“Angles don’t,” Cas coughs, “Angles don’t get sick.”  
  
Dean gives him a sympathetic smile, “Sorry to break it to you, pal, but apparently, they do.”  
Cas only feels more miserable. He is truly weak if a human illness affects him. Every single breathe hurts in his chest, but Cas hurts all over anyways.  
  
Dean get’s up, his hands leaving Cas’ face, softly stroking his shoulders.  
  
“C’mon let’s get you back to bed,” Dean says, and holds out a hand for Cas to grab.  
  
Once more Cas hesitates, before he takes it and Dean helps him to stand up. He has to  support Cas all the way back to the room Cas is staying in. Cas feels bad. He is supposed to take care of Dean, to be the one to support Dean. But now Dean has to take care of him and Cas once more feels like a burden.  
  
He downright falls into the bed and is immediately asleep again. He doesn’t even notice how Dean covers him with a blanket.

***  
  
Angles don’t dream. They don’t have wishes and hopes for their future, nor do they dream at night. Cas does. Though his dreams are not pleasant, they are nightmares.They are hot, and loud, and they burn. They are red, filled with Lucifer’s sardonic laughter, the sound is like flames licking his skin. Than they change. Suddenly they are all cold, and silent, and dark. This time all he hears is a whisper, “You are expendable.”

***  
  
Cas jolts awake. His breath is fast and short, his lungs still hurt just like the rest of his body. A hand reaches out to touch his shoulder and Cas almost jumps around.  
  
“Hey, Cas, it’s me,” Sam says soothingly. “It’s okay, it was just a dream.”  
  
Cas relaxes slightly. Sam’s presence has something calming. Every time Cas looks at Sam’s soul warmth surrounds him.  Even during the darkest times Sam’s soul shines bright and pure. It’s different than Dean’s soul. The soul that lit up all of hell and almost blinded an entire army of angels. It doesn’t mean that Sam’s soul is less worthy than Dean’s. Just like humans, souls are unique. Cas will never understand why Sam thinks so low of himself, how he could possibly think that he was impure.  
  
“I brought you some tea and painkillers,” Sam says, and hands him a mug and some pills.  
He isn’t weirded out by Cas’ staring. He got used to it over the years. Cas takes the pills and the mug thankfully and swallows them down with some tea. He lays his head back on his pillow.  
  
Sam gives him a sad smile. “Your nightmares,” he asks, “they are about Lucifer, right?”  
Cas turns his head back to Sam and raises his eyebrows in surprise. He didn’t suspect Sam to know, or even to ask. He just nods, speaking still hurts too much.  
  
“I used to have those, too,” he explains Cas, “after the wall in my brain broke.”  
  
Another wave of guilt hits Cas. He doesn’t like to think back to it. He failed horrendously as the Winchester’s protector. He broke the wall in Sam’s head, he unleashed leviathans. And even after had returned to the Winchesters he hadn’t kept Sam’s nightmares at bay. It would have been an easy thing, the snap of a finger, but he just hadn’t done it.  
  
Sam sees how Cas’ face falls, and he hurries to say, “It was ages ago, Cas, we all make mistakes sometimes.”  
  
But Cas makes mistakes all the time. Ever since he met the Winchesters his entire life has been nothing but a series of failures and disappointments.  
  
“I just wanted to say, that I know how you feel,” Sam says, “and if you need to talk to someone about it, I’m here for you.”  
  
Cas decides that he is probably still having a fever dream. There is no reason for Sam to be nice to him, not to mention offer support and help. He is nothing but a third wheel for Sam and Dean; by now he knows that it doesn’t have a positive meaning.  
  
Cas closes his eyes. Maybe he should just continue to sleep.  
  
When he wakes up the next time Sam is gone, and so is the throbbing in his head.  
He stretches his sore body, and after his eyes have adjusted to the dim light in his room, his view lands on a pile of comic books on his nightstand. Curious he takes the first book from the pile, a little note is attached to it.  
  
Something light and easy to read, it says. Cas recognises Dean’s messy handwriting.  
  
He is still too tired to wonder about it, and just starts reading. It’s a DC comic, and soon Cas is engrossed in the story line and the characters.  
  
After he read a couple of books, he suddenly sees a new character and let’s out a small gasp. It is like looking into a mirror. A tall man with a trench coat and a tie is printed onto the pages. But not only their looks are similar, Cas somehow manages to relate to the comic book character. Influenced by heaven and hell, having their loved ones killed or in danger. The only thing that differs is that this character is an anti-hero. He struggles with being a hero who only does the right thing, but still he has his heroic moment. Cas doesn’t. He isn’t a hero, he is only the despicable shadow of what he once used to be. And even as a powerful angel, he was never really a hero. He was an obedient servant…no that is not true. He always broke the rules, that’s why they brainwashed him. By now Cas wishes they had simply killed him. Angles are supposed to follow orders and don’t ask questions, seems like Cas has always been broken. His father created him with a glitch in the program.  
  
He tries to ignore those thoughts. Instead he focuses on the comic books, and falls asleep over them.  
  
This time he doesn’t dream about Lucifer or Amara. This time he dreams about heroes in ridiculous costumes fighting the evil. He fights among them, dressed in his old trench coat. For some reason he feels drawn to a weird hero dressed up as a bat. Fever dreams are something else, Cas decides.  
  
He is woken up by someone shaking his shoulder and whispering his name. This time it’s Dean again. In his hands he holds a bowl of tomato rice soup.    
“My mother used to make this for me when I was sick,” he tells Cas.  
  
Angels don’t eat. Cas tells Dean that much, and Dean just replies that he doesn’t care, Cas has to eat something to get better.  
  
“Please, for me,” he says and holds the spoon out for Cas. Cas finally takes the spoon and eats some of the soup. It would probably taste delicious, if he was able to taste. But the warm feeling of the soup is nice as well. Dean just watches him eat silently.  
  
“Why were you standing in the rain?” he finally asks Cas after a while.  
  
Cas doesn’t answer. He only shrugs. What is he supposed to tell Dean? That he didn’t care about the rain? That he didn’t care at all? Subconsciously Cas could argue that he was punishing himself. That the pain of being sick is what he deserves. But on the other hand now he is just a burden to the Winchesters again. Why can’t they let him be, let him suffer in silence. He doesn’t want Sam’s help to get over Lucifer, he doesn’t want Dean’s care. He deserves nothing of it.  
  
“It’s where I belong,” he finally says. He doesn’t have a place to belong, but if he should be anywhere than in the cold rain, trying to let it wash his guilt away.  
  
Dean doesn’t say anything for a while. Than he takes Cas’ empty bowl and gets up.  
  
“I should better go and let you rest,” he says. On his way out Dan turns around once more and nods towards the pain killers on Cas’ night stand, “Be careful with those, please.”   
His voice seems even more ruff now and there is something sad in his eyes. Cas figures, Dean just doesn’t want to waste expensive medicine on him. Cas knows that Dean now realised that he shouldn’t waste his time and energy on Cas, that once more Dean was reminded of how worthless and useless Cas is. That he is expendable.    
  
And Cas is right. The next times it’s only Sam, who brings him food, or tea, or medicaments. Dean doesn’t visit him anymore.  
  
 His throat starts to hurt less, and his coughing becomes less as well. Still Cas feels worse and worse. He feels like a prisoner, captured and locked away. He misses the sunshine and the fresh air. He misses the garden and his freedom. He misses his wings. More than ever. If he still was able to  fly, he would just escape. Leave the Winchesters and relieve them from the burden he is. Maybe he should leave, as soon as he is strong enough to walk away.

 

***  
  
  
After two weeks his cold disappears, but Cas still feels sick and weak. He doesn’t understand why. His body should be rested and strong again.  
“I am sorry,” he tells Sam as he brings Cas food again, “I wish I could get up and walk away, but I am not strong enough for some unknown reason.”  
  
Sam looks at him in disbelief.    
“Cas, never apologise for being sick,” he says, his voice shocked. “And what do you mean with walking away?”  
  
“I do not desire to take any of your time and keep you from saving the world. I already did enough bad, I cannot continue to be a burden for you,” Cas tells him. Sam will agree and tell him he should leave anyways despite his condition. He probably should. He would most likely break down after a couple of miles, but lying on the street and slowly ceasing away is what he deserves.  
  
Sam’s mouth gapes.   
“Don’t say that,” he hisses, “Don’t you ever say that again, Cas!”  
  
Cas looks up in confusion.  
  
“You are not a burden Cas, and you are not keeping us from anything,” Sam continues, his eyes pinned on Cas. “You are our friend, Cas. You are more than that, you are family. We do care about you, because you matter. I don’t know how much Lucifer messed with your head to make you believe that.”  
  
Lucifer didn’t have to mess at all, he was just the final nail in the coffin. Cas can’t quite believe Sam’s words. After being told by his brothers and sister that they weren’t their family, being told he is a part of the Winchester family feels surreal. After being called expendable by Amara, being told that he matters, seems like a fever dream again.  
  
“Do you mean it?” he asks Sam.  
  
Sam almost laughs. “Of course I mean it, Cas,” he says. “Do you want to know why you don’t feel better? Because you keep telling yourself such bullshit. We want you with us, we want you to be okay again. I know it takes a while to heal after what happened and we will give you all the time you need.”   
There is a soft smile on Sam’s lips, and the corners of Cas’ mouth twitch a little. It’s still hard for him to believe what Sam says, but it feels good to be told that he does matter. Well at least in Sam’s eyes. Cas is not quite sure about Dean.  
  
“Thank you, Sam,” he says though. Sam doesn’t hate him. Cas feels a tiny bit less pain.  
  
“Maybe you should get some fresh air to get those thoughts out of your head,” Sam suggests. “I’ll bring you to the door and you can sit a bit outside.”  
  
Cas nods and says, “That would be nice.”  
  
Despite Sam supporting him, walking to the door of the bunker is exhausting, and Cas already thinks that it was a stupid idea. But Sam insists of Cas getting some fresh air.  
Suddenly though Cas is unsure if he should really go outside. Seeing the abandoned backyard would probably push him even more back into his hole. But Sam pushes him softly.  
  
“Go take some fresh air, Cas, “ he says with a bright smile.  
  
Cas takes one last deep breath and steps outside. His breath stops immediately and he can’t believe his eyes. Instead of the old, grey, desolated back yard, there is now a beautiful variety of colours, and the back yard is full of life. No, not the back yard, the garden.  
  
“I know it’s not perfect and could use some more flowers. Also, I think I might have screwed up the vegetables, but I hope you like it,“ Dean suddenly appears next to him.  
  
Cas turns around to look at Dean with astonishment.  
  
“You did all of this?” he asks in awe.  
  
Dean just nods. “I wanted to do something nice for you. I know how much you like nature, and you said you felt like you belonged here,” he tells Cas.  
  
Cas still can’t believe it. Why would Dean do all this for him? Dean has God knows better things to do, but yet he took his time and energy to create this beautiful place for Cas. It all doesn’t make sense to Cas. But maybe if Sam doesn’t hate him, after all he did, maybe Dean doesn’t hate him as well.  
  
“The place where you belong shouldn’t be some old, ugly yard,” Dean continues. “Also you do not only belong here, you belong with us.” Dean takes a deep breath. “You belong with me,” he adds almost inaudible.  
  
It’s far too much for Cas to take in. The colourful garden, the meaning behind it, Dean doing this for him. It’s simply too much.  
  
“Dean,” he finally says, “I’m useless in the fight against Amara. You should have let Lucifer stay inside me.”  
  
“I don’t care about Amara,” Dean almost yells, “and you are not useless, Cas.” His voice is full of pain and his face looks desperate. “And I get why you said yes to Lucifer, but Cas, we don’t need Lucifer. Sure he is an archangel with enormous power, but I’d rather have you, Cas.”  
  
  
Cas looks dumbstruck at Dean. Is Dean serious? How can’t he see how Cas only hinders them.  
  
“We will find a way later to fight Amara,” Dean says with a deep sigh, “but first let me give you a tour.”  
  
There are several flower beds filled with different flowers. Cas spots tulips and daffodils. Dean also tried to plant potatoes and carrots, even some kale to Cas’ surprise. He knows how much Dean hates kale. Dean even managed to create a small field of sunflowers. The most flowers that Dean planted though, are forget-me-nots. Everywhere there are just blue spots in the garden.  
  
“They are my favourite,” Dean tells him. “They have such a bittersweet meaning, and I really like the colour.” He doesn’t look at the flowers as he says it, he looks directly at Cas.  
  
“So what do you think?”  
  
“It’s beautiful,” Cas says, “But the vegetables definitely could use some work.”  
  
Dan gasps in fake shock, “Cas, are you teasing me?”  
  
Cas gives him a small smile. The feeling is weird, but also pleasant. Dean smiles back at him, with the biggest grin possible.  
  
Then he adds, “I also tried to fix that cherry tree over there, but it didn’t want to come back to live and fight for it.”  
  
Cas looks over to the cherry tree and the end of the garden. It’s grey and looks like it should rather be in a horror movie than in this garden. Cas knows that no matter how much care plants get, they also have to try themselves to stay alive. Slowly he walks over to the cherry tree and places his hand on the pale bark.  
  
“Cas?” Dean asks softly, but Cas only closes his eyes and focuses. He may be broken, and he may be weak, but he wants to try, he needs to try. His entire body fills with warmth, it’s a flow starting from his heart, running through his chest, down his arm, through the tips of his fingers into the cherry tree.  
  
Dean gasps again, and a small smile appears on Cas’ lips again, his eyes are still closed.  
  
“Did you…did you just inflict your grace into the tree?” Dean stutters.  
  
Cas finally opens his eyes and takes his hand off the tree. “ A small part of my grace, yes” he says.  
  
“Are you..are you strong enough to give up a part of your grace?” Dean asks, worried.  
  
Cas just nods, “Don’t worry, I won’t die from it.”  
  
“Good,” Dean says, “because I don’t know what I would do if you did. You matter to me, Cas.”  
  
It would be nice if those words were the magical solution to all of their problems. But sadly, depression isn’t solved with words of love and affection. They do help obviously, but in the end, it takes so much more to get out of it. Yelling at God, who shows up at some point, helps too. Cas is not sad anymore when he sees his father. Instead he becomes angry. He doesn’t care that his father tells him, that he is one of his favourites. That it was necessary for Cas to be different than the other angles, that his suffering had a higher purpose. Cas just doesn’t care. All those years he had been looking for his father, by now he only wishes Chuck would disappear again.  
  
Defeating Amara helps too. It is like a veil of sadness has been lifted from the world. Dean seems different afterwards. Cas asks him if he is okay.  
  
“I’m glad this hold she had about me is gone,” he tells Cas. “She called it bond, but it fellt more like a spell. I know what a bond feels like,” he says and smiles at Cas.  
  
After all of this the Winchesters still hunt, but they hunt less. Cas comes with them, which makes most hunts easier. Sam and Dean have lesses bruises and less broken rips.  
  
Cas heals slowly, but he heals. Sam and Dean let him know how much me matters, and he knows how much they struggle with things like that. But for Cas they try.  
  
When they are not on a hunt Cas works in the garden every day. Dean usually helps him. They now have a flowerbed with just wild flowers that are good for butterflies, bees and other insects.  
  
Claire, Jody and Alex visit them a few times and Claire asks Cas how things are going with Dean. Cas tells her that Dean still needs to learn a couple of things about having a garden and that they are a good team during hunts. Claire just rolls her eyes and leaves a confused Cas behind.  
  
Quickly a year is passing. Today they are not on a hunt and the sun is shining. It’s the first warm week of spring and Cas works in the garden.  
  
“Hey, Cas,” Dean joins him.  
  
“Hello, Dean,” Cas says, “I already worked on the potatoes, the carrots could use some work though.”  
  
They work in silence, like most of the time. Until Dean asks, “Cas how are you doing?”  
  
“Okay, I think,” Cas answers perplexed. Why is Dean suddenly asking how he is feeling.  
  
“Still feeling blue?” Dean wonders.  
  
“How can I feel like a colour Dean?” Cas asks, his eyes glued to the blue forget-me-nots in front of him. He is planting them underneath the cherry tree. It’s a nice mixture of soft colours. The cherry tree is in full blossom now. If one takes a very close look at the pink blossoms they seem to have a blue shine, a tiny hint of Cas’ grace.  
  
Dean laughs. “No, Cas, “ he says. “I wanted to know if you.… if you are doing okay”  
  
Dean’s voice is serious again, and Cas finally looks up from the flowers.  
  
Cas sometimes still has bad days. Days when he just stands there and stares at the garden. Days when Lucifer still whispers sweet nothings in his ear, and days when Amara has him hold in her icy, cold grip. But genuinely speaking, yes.  
  
“I am doing okay,” he tells Dean.  
  
And even during his bad days, he is doing better than a year ago. He talks with Sam about Lucifer during those bad days, and it’s good for the both of them. When he feels worthless Dean somehow always seems to notice. He doesn’t talk with Cas about it, they are both bad with words. But on those bad days Cas finds little gifts, like new flower seeds, or a glass of organic honey. It’s Dean’s ways to say that Cas matters.  
Dan nods, and Cas continues to work on the flowers.  
  
“I..uhm…thank you,” Dean stutters, and Cas looks up again. “I know the past year was rough on you, buddy,” Dean bites his lip, and Cas stands up so that he and Dean are on the same level.   
“And you are always there for me, despite everything, you are the best friend I ever had,” Dean continues his speech. Cas notices that Dean his fumbling with his hands. “And I know I have not…not always been there for you. And you will probably say no, and I would totally understand why, I mean I’m a dick most of the time, and-“ “Dean,” Cas is stopping Dean’s nervous rambling. “You too, are the best friend I ever had, despite the fact that you are a dick most of the time.”  
  
Dean finally looks up and directly into Cas’ eyes, that he has avoided the entire time so far.  
  
“I’m tired, Cas,” he says. “Tired of this ridiculous, little dance we are having.”  
  
“We are not dancing, Dean.”   
Dean laughs. It’s a special little laugh only Cas gets to hear.  
  
“The point is, Cas,” Dean continues. “The point is that I am in love with you. Have been for years, but it was never really the right time. I mean I doubt that now is the right time, or that it will ever be the right time. And I completely understand that you don’t want to be with me, I wouldn’t want to be with me either. And-“  
  
“Dean Winchester,” Cas cuts him off. “Why do you always think so low of yourself. You deserve to be loved and of course I love you, too.”  
  
Dean stares at him blankly.  
  
“You do?” he asks perplexed.  
  
“Yes, Dean,” Cas says. They are both horrible with words, especially when it comes to feelings. So Cas puts all his love, all his devotion, all those feelings he has hidden for years, in one look. And Dean seems to understand. It’s their own little language, they always communicated more with theirs eyes, their body language. Words were never their, but Cas still manages to find the right ones as Dean asks, “Can I kiss you?”  
  
“Yes please,” Cas says, before he makes a step towards Dean and locks their lips together. It’s a sweet and soft kiss. There is no need for heat and passion yet. They have time. And Cas can’t wait to spend all of that time with Dean.

 

 

 


End file.
